I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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