i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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