i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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