YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
