:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
