I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
