i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
