do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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