i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
