if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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