I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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