I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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