they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
My balls are so social today.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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