toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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