R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
