It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
