i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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