I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
