At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
