he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
