i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
