never play flip cup with pint glasses
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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