TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
