I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
