I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
