Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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