This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
