Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
