I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
