i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
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