OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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