Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
