Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
