You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Dicks are not precious.
I deserve this hangover.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
