taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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