it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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