So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
