i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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