I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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