now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
