I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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