I'm sorry my penis didn't work
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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