Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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