I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize