I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
