Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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