Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
