Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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