I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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