Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
