I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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