Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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