white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
