i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
