wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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