you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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