I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
