Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
