But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
