I need to stop coming to work sober
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
