The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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