If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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